Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
