Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
