your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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