You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
