Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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