what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
