im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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