drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
