I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
