I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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