saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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