My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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