dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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