i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
