I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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