I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
