when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
zippers are such a cool invention
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
