I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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