Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
