I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
