Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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