I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
whose parrot is this?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
