: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
