ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
