areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
