Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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