you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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