I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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