I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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