Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
