I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
