Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
