So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
