just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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