I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
