: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
