Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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