You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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