He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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