I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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