just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
