If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
