New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
