Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
