I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
