I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
