i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
smell my finger.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
