Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
