I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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