...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
