I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
