What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
