Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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