Just fell off a train. Bad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
