It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
