If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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