No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize