There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
