I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
