Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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