umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
