FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
