my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
