Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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