what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
