he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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