Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
