It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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