you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
