dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
