I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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