i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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