someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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